It took me a minute to get this post together because I was sobbing through writing it. January 10th would have marked 17 years that the amazing man I called MY husband would have kept me as his wife. I say "kept me" because he was just such an amazing soul that kept ME in line. Sure I am a powerful mind but I have to say that God brought us together for our minds to be powerful together. He listened, he provided guidance and he was a true friend that never left my side. When he made his transition 3.5 years ago, I was devastated. I internalized most of my pain and kept busy to mask the shear fear of living life without him by my side. I consumed myself with work, tried dating too soon and just kept my mind busy because I did not want to accept the real truth that he was no longer here.
He was a good Christian man and we prayed together daily. As I reflect on how life has been without him, it still sometimes seem surreal. He was such a peaceful man, didn't like to argue and kept the rooms of our home filled with praise music DAILY! While he didn't really bring me flowers, he grew some of the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen and that I haven't seen since he passed away. We didn't always go out to dinner at fancy restaurants because he loved to cook and was always cooking dinner for us at home. We both loved cats and he developed a love for dogs that got me loving dogs and cats now! We both wanted to save the world and make it a better place. He loved focusing on the family system and marriage ministry. I loved marriage ministry, animals and helping women. We were a perfect match.
I still keep busy with things that matter to me, which just so happen to have mattered to him as well. God knew what he was doing when he brought us together. I honestly miss him and thinking about The 17 Years that Wasn't I know we would have still been going strong. He came into our marriage with the notion that "divorce is not an option" and he lived by that every single day. While neither of us were perfect and we had our various challenges, we worked through them because we both believed that the family system matters so much.
So how did I spend the day that would have been my 17th year anniversary?
- I didn't get to cook him an anniversary breakfast and he didn't get to fix me one of his creative dinner meals
- We didn't get to hold hands and pray for our marriage and thank God for another year of marriage
- I didn't get the anniversary card under my pillow or the sticky note on the mirror
- I did however get to reflect on the amazing man that he was and how much he taught me about marriage, life, love and patience
- I got to reflect on how much I still value marriage, listen to praise music; and even pray with my dogs and for others
- I got to reflect on mistakes I have made since his death and to think about WWJS "What Would James Say?"
- I got to humble myself before God
I am so thankful for my time with God and time to reflect on what I need to do to continue pressing forward and healing. I am looking forward to what 2016 will bring in the form of financial, emotional, spiritual and health miracles in my life and others. I can't wait to share with you what God is doing!